August 27: It’s long been the litmus test for measuring the significance of any event involving The University of North Carolina. Dean said it, or maybe Bill Currie, or Lou Holtz, or maybe “Stiletto Susan” Ehringhaus said it. I think it was Deano. 
Something happened a few decades back involving UNC Basketball that seemed quite important to fans of Carolina Athletics. Dean proffered that “8,000,000,000 Chinese don’t care” as a way to put events into their proper perspective.
Following last night’s press conference I called The Chairman Mao Sports Bar & Nail Salon in The Forbidden City ....
Hi, I’m BobLee and I’d like to know - Do you care?
You BobLee? THE BobLee? The BobLee that wrote “Married A Stripper”? You velly velly funny fellow BobLee. We LOVE BobLee in Forbidden City .... velly velly funny fellow.
Well thanks. My mamma would be proud I suppose; but enough about me. I need to know “do you and 7,999,999,999 of your little rice-eating, bike-riding, red book-reading buddies CARE ..... that tangible evidence of academic malfeasance have surfaced on the campus of The Flagship just south of picturesque Franklin Street?
Oh velly velly much we care here at Chairman Mao Sports Bar & Nail Salon in Forbidden City. We had BIG Crowd here for Press Conference watching party. Place was packed. We sold slam out of fishheads before 7:45 your time. Lots of UNC and NCState alumni here in Forbidden City. We have two questions. Can you help us, BobLee?
Sure, what’s your questions?
#1 - Was “the mystery tutor” amphibious.... and
#2 – Was she given just one pair of tennis shoes?
Say Good Night, Gracie .....
Gracie ??? There no one named Gracie here. BobLee you velly funny fellow. (click)
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Yes it’s OFFICIAL: 8,000,000,000 Chinese DO Care that evidence of athletic academic malfeasance has surfaced on the campus of The Flagship just south of picturesque Franklin Street.
It’s Friday morning August 27 - aka “the morning after” and .....
Somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout;
But there is no joy in Chapel Hill - What else will we find out?
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Many of my fellow UNCers are facing the daunting prospect of a very long Friday and weekend having to fend off a very large shovelful of crap pushed in your face by acquainti of ABC partisanships. Lets cover this in a quick Q and A fashion.
Q: Is she a “nanny”?
A: She is/was NOT a “nanny”. She was not Swedish and Jesper Parnevik did not recommend her to Butch. Jesper is no longer in the nanny/tutor recommending business. She was a tutor for Butch’s teenage son. HOWEVER ..... as your designated Internet Crisis Management Guru of Choice, I urge my True Blue buddies and babes NOT to get into any symantics with rival partisans.
Q: How will Tar Heels get thru the next few days? .... Days? Hell, the next few Decades!
A: If your plans do not involve the fetal position .... putting your smart phone on vibrate .... and watching the Man vs Food marathon on The Travel Channel, you’re in trouble. Venturing anywhere you might encounter a partisan of a rival institution is beyond foolhardy.
Q: Is there anything else to particularly avoid?
A: I would not watch Mythbusters. Just the title of the show is too painful right now. Their current show is on “elite academic institutions and the people who rely on them for their self-image”. In the final segment Jamie (the guy in the beret) sets himself on fire and dives under a bus screaming “I married a FREAKIN’ Stripper. WHAT was I thinking?” ..... I would avoid Mythbusters.
Q: Why does a guy making $2.5 Mill get such a cheap haircut?
A: He uses a FlowBee.
Q: BobLee, are you finding great joy in all this tragedy?
A: Joy? Not at all. I do however try to find humor in pretty much everything. I’m the guy that had his mamma cremated just to really piss off a jackass aunt and uncle and then sold mamma’s house to a black lady to piss off another aunt. Once you do THAT, maneuvering thru this stuff is a piece o’ cake.
Q: What are you most concerned with BobLee?
A: That my pal Holden Thorp come thru this OK. He really is a quite decent guy. His only fault was extreme naïveté. He has no working knowledge of the nasty realities of big time college sports. Holden, like a WHOLE LOT of you, was weaned on Dean & Choo Choo Kool-Aid. Holden has a very quick learning curve. My pal Holden will prove himself quite capable as this proceeds. He’s got lots more sand in his gizzard than you think he does.
Q: Haven’t jocks “cheated” in academics at every college since the dawn of time?
A: Yes .... jocks and frat boys and sorority girls and geeks and ROTC kids and seminary students have all been known to seek shortcuts to the Perian Spring. “Cheating in school” is a lot like picking your nose. That a lot of people do it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing when the teacher or your mother-in-law catches you doing it.
Q: What the hell happened?
A: When “winning is all that matters” then “winning is all that matters”. To win you need more stud ducks than the team in the other colored jerseys. To a stud duck “academics” is simply something to be finessed in order to stay eligible. But but but but ..... no buts. Just the reality ..... Reality Bites! ..... Yes, it does.
Q: Is ANYTHING that I am reading on a Wolfpack message board true?
A: Any True Blue that is reading anything of Lupine origin these days is deserving of all communicable diseases you will surely catch. Penicillin won’t even help.
Q: How bad will this get?
A: Badder than it is right now. Think about UNC Football as John Wayne Gacy’s backyard ..... the deeper they dig, the more bodies are liable to turn up.
Q: Is UNC just a cesspool of corruption?
A: How absurd! I just told you not to go reading anything on those Wuff boards. UNC is a fine institution. It never has been as virginally pure as you wanted to think it was. Gene Nichol is employed there. What does that tell you?
Q: What is Butch’s future?
A: Jimma Sexton is working the phones like a commodities trader with his pants on fire. He’s offering Butch, Blake and two quarts of coleslaw for $19.95. Call 866-BCS-R-BUST.
Q: BobLee, do you have any parting words of wisdom before you send this missive out to the huddled masses yearning to be told “this is all just Bobby Ewing taking a shower”?
A: I have a picture of me at age 3-months wearing a little blue sweater with a white 22 knitted on it – Choo Choo’s #. I’ve been a blue-bleeder my whole life and intend to stay one for the duration. I’m damn far from perfect and I have never expected my alma mater to be perfect either. If you did ..... Life is a bitch right now, ain’t it?
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Vegas giving 3-1 odds that the name, picture and favorite Jonas Brother of "the tutor" will be posted on the Internet by 3 PM today. By 5 PM she will be more infamous than Steve Bartman and closing fast on Rielle Hunter. NOTE: SURPRISE .... The Tutor has NOT been outed as of Sunday noon .... Go Figure!